In a recent post, I briefly described one of our “crazy days.” Unfortunately, these days are more common than I would like. Days in which I feel like the only thing I do is nag and/or shout. Days in which I hear regularly “You’re so mean”, “I hate you”, “You hate me” and so many more emotive and hurtful phrases (luckily my younger fella hasn’t reached this age yet and I treasure the short break I have with him before he starts up too). These are the days when I am convinced my kids must hate me, see me as the worst mother possible and wish they had any other mother but me. But, something happened recently to offer me some hope. So I thought I’d share it with you:

We had had one of those “crazy days”, particularly with my older fella. I felt like I had shouted and fought with him all day. Nothing I did was right in his eyes, his homework was ‘impossible’ and he felt like I was placing unreasonable demands on him that he had to tidy up his dishes EVERY day. By the time I got him to bed, I was so relieved to have a break, but also so emotionally drained and convinced he was going to hate me for the rest of his life (ok, perhaps not his whole life, but surely his entire childhood). A short time later after I trudged up the stairs ready to hit the bed exhausted and wishing tomorrow would not come, I found a paper on my bedside table. At the moment, my son is going through a phase of ‘writing songs’ about his day or his feelings. While he is no Bono, I’m delighted that he has an emotional output for his feelings, so I encourage this and praise every ‘song’. Anyway, this one was titled: “Mother”, and my heart dropped a few inches as I was pretty sure I knew what was coming. But, instead of the expected “she’s so mean” phrases, the whole song was a beautiful tribute to a loving mother (I couldn’t believe he was talking about me!). While I will protect his privacy by not divulging his whole song, I will say that he used words such as comfort and love. After I had finished melting in a puddle of goo on the floor, I wondered how it was possible for him to write such a song about me on a day when we seemed to have nothing but conflict and I was reminded of one very important fact:

Love conquers all!

Children’s memories and experiences are totally different to ours and it’s delightful to know that underneath all that crazy day chaos they still see the love that shines through. Something I had done that day must have meant something to my son (I still have no idea what) and that stuck in his head more than all the shouting and yelling. Once, when he was complaining about his teacher telling him off over something, I pointed out that I would tell him off often but I still loved him, so his teacher still liked him even if she had told him off. His response: “That’s different, mom, you’re my mother. I know you’ll always love me”.

So, here is your hope:

Even if it doesn’t always seem like it, even if there are bad days (or weeks or months), our kids know that we love them and will always be behind them.

My oldest fella was having one of his “moody” days: everyone hates him and is out to get him and everything that went wrong was proof of this. My youngest fella got out of bed without his ‘frustration tolerance’, spending the day yelling, shouting and throwing things (including his pencil at his teacher and his violin bow at the wall). I didn’t think I was going to survive, but surprise surprise, I actually woke up this morning.

I’m probably describing a typical day in most homes (at least I hope I’m not the only one who has days like these). These are the days when I wonder if there will be anything left of the relationship between me and my kids by the time they are finally adults. Days when I wish I could just climb into bed and pull the duvet over my head. Days in which I am convinced every other parent can do this better than me. Luckily, I seem to survive these days and usually come out on the other side more intentional in my interactions with the kids. So here is my tips on how to have a better day once you wish you could erase yesterday from your memory:

First: Have a plan: Tell yourself that today is going to be a better day and that you are going to head things off at the pass. If at all possible, wake up a few minutes earlier than usual and spend those minutes in quiet time, drawing on your inner reserves to plan the day and your battle strategies.

Second: Have a morning cuddle: If your kids are young enough, crawl into their bed, or encourage them into your bed and start the day with cuddles (these are my favourite moments of the days because they are about the only time the boys show me any affection). If they are “too old” for cuddles (and very few kids really are despite their protests), try to add some quiet moments together chatting or reading. Add in some fun if possible: in my house, giggles, silly voices or over-exaggerated expressions usually work.

Third: Set the tone: When the kids are relaxed and you have their attention, have a quiet chat about the coming day and add in phrases like: “we are going to have a good day today”, “when we are frustrated, we can remember to …”, “If you get upset with me today, please just tell me in a nice voice” and so on. Keep this as short as possible…we can achieve more in 3 minutes than in 30 minutes.

Finally: Keep the tone: As things start to go a little awry (and if my kids are anything to go by, they will), keep your tone light and just remind them of the morning chat (e.g. “remember we are going to use nice voices today, even if we are upset” or “remember to find your self-control when you get frustrated”). I find if I head things off at the pass, the intensity of the outbursts reduce and they don’t build up into a pattern for the rest of the day.

Good luck surviving those crazy days and setting the tone for more level ones. Remember: This too shall pass.