I hope you all had a great Christmas and start to the new year. I’m back at work today, trying to frantically catch up on my emails, reports, blogs, and so on, and feeling completely frazzled, but I took a moment to stop and think about what the new year means to children.

Aside from the over-tired tears and dramas we had this morning as I was trying to get my children ready for their first day back at school, the start of the new year is also very important to them. Although they are not starting a new school year (those of you in the summer hemisphere have a new calendar year and school year, while we only have the new calendar year to contend with), the new year still gives the children a chance to reflect on what has happened over the past year, what went well and what they would like to change. Although we can’t really expect children to set ‘new year’s resolutions’, this reflection can be very helpful. It can help them work through issues that may be long-standing and it can really help them gain perspective. Children tend to live in the moment, and if the moment is good, that’s brilliant, but if the moment is not good, that can be quite traumatic, especially for the more emotional or thoughtful children. I don’t think I would be able to count the number of times my oldest son say “I hate my life”. Reflecting on the previous year usually involves remembering the big things, which are usually positive. Holidays, new teachers, Halloween costumes, birthday parties and many more events usually stick in the mind, or are easy to bring to mind with little reminders and they help children to realise that most of their past experiences are positive. This gives them a balance for those “bad moments”. If there have been any significantly bad experiences during the previous year, this can give children a chance to talk about them and their feelings and to put these things “in the past” while focusing on the fact that the upcoming year is likely to be better.

Here are some things I did with my children this new year to help them reflect (I will try to remember to post these and many more just before the next new year to help you plan your “new year’s party” with your children):

Photo Memory: We took photos from the past year, printed 2 copies of each onto coloured card and played the traditional “memory” game. The kids loved to be reminded of what happened and had a great opportunity to practice their story telling and their memory skills. I, of course, pretended to forget many of the events and had my children remind me, but the game was a big hit for children and adults alike.

Video Journal: We recorded a new edition of our video journal, during which I asked the children questions and they answered. Aside from being irresistibly cute watching the previous years videos to see how much the children have grown in the past year, the videos helped the children put some of their thoughts and hopes into words. And children just love watching themselves on video, so each time they do, they are getting another chance to reflect on the questions.

While we are on the topic, new year’s can be a great time for parents too. It’s a great time for us to introduce new rules or expectations that can help improve family dynamics or children’s behaviour. You can try to introduce new rules/expectations by saying something like: “We are stating a new year, so we want to start it off right by…”

However, this draws my mind back to when I first started practicing OT (which was not all that long ago, just at the turn of the century). At that time, experts were adamant that Autism was non inherited. I always had a hard time believing this since I worked with families who had two, three and even four siblings on the spectrum, but who was I to argue with the “experts”?

In the years since I started working in the field (in my limited capacity), I have been bombarded with countless contradicting ‘evidence’ (is it linked to vaccines, not linked to vaccines, diet related or not, a social disorder or a sensory disorder, and so on). These have left me confused and frustrated, and if I feel that way, how can parents of children on the autistic spectrum possibly feel?

What irks me the most is the attitude of researchers or experts who put out these statements, opinions or research articles. Very few of them acknowledge that they don’t truly know, and fewer will ever acknowledge that they were wrong (sorry if I am being overly prejudicial). Without acknowledging that ‘evidence’ is not written in stone, incomplete or even completely ‘wrong’, these bits of ‘knowledge’ about autism stay in the general domain, being passed from parent to parent and even professional to professional, dirtying the water of an already confusing and unclear diagnosis.

What can we do about this? I usually like to end my blogs with advice or information about how to help/address issues, but I have to admit, I don’t have the answers. All I can suggest, particularly to parents of children with autistic spectrum disorder, is to just accept the children for who they are, help them build on necessary skills, celebrate their achievements and take all ‘evidence’ with a pinch of salt, because we are still nowhere near the full truth!

Link to article mentioned in post: http://www.independent.ie/life/health-wellbeing/health-features/autism-breakthrough-as-33-genes-associated-with-condition-identified-30704496.html

In a recent post, I briefly described one of our “crazy days.” Unfortunately, these days are more common than I would like. Days in which I feel like the only thing I do is nag and/or shout. Days in which I hear regularly “You’re so mean”, “I hate you”, “You hate me” and so many more emotive and hurtful phrases (luckily my younger fella hasn’t reached this age yet and I treasure the short break I have with him before he starts up too). These are the days when I am convinced my kids must hate me, see me as the worst mother possible and wish they had any other mother but me. But, something happened recently to offer me some hope. So I thought I’d share it with you:

We had had one of those “crazy days”, particularly with my older fella. I felt like I had shouted and fought with him all day. Nothing I did was right in his eyes, his homework was ‘impossible’ and he felt like I was placing unreasonable demands on him that he had to tidy up his dishes EVERY day. By the time I got him to bed, I was so relieved to have a break, but also so emotionally drained and convinced he was going to hate me for the rest of his life (ok, perhaps not his whole life, but surely his entire childhood). A short time later after I trudged up the stairs ready to hit the bed exhausted and wishing tomorrow would not come, I found a paper on my bedside table. At the moment, my son is going through a phase of ‘writing songs’ about his day or his feelings. While he is no Bono, I’m delighted that he has an emotional output for his feelings, so I encourage this and praise every ‘song’. Anyway, this one was titled: “Mother”, and my heart dropped a few inches as I was pretty sure I knew what was coming. But, instead of the expected “she’s so mean” phrases, the whole song was a beautiful tribute to a loving mother (I couldn’t believe he was talking about me!). While I will protect his privacy by not divulging his whole song, I will say that he used words such as comfort and love. After I had finished melting in a puddle of goo on the floor, I wondered how it was possible for him to write such a song about me on a day when we seemed to have nothing but conflict and I was reminded of one very important fact:

Love conquers all!

Children’s memories and experiences are totally different to ours and it’s delightful to know that underneath all that crazy day chaos they still see the love that shines through. Something I had done that day must have meant something to my son (I still have no idea what) and that stuck in his head more than all the shouting and yelling. Once, when he was complaining about his teacher telling him off over something, I pointed out that I would tell him off often but I still loved him, so his teacher still liked him even if she had told him off. His response: “That’s different, mom, you’re my mother. I know you’ll always love me”.

So, here is your hope:

Even if it doesn’t always seem like it, even if there are bad days (or weeks or months), our kids know that we love them and will always be behind them.

My oldest fella was having one of his “moody” days: everyone hates him and is out to get him and everything that went wrong was proof of this. My youngest fella got out of bed without his ‘frustration tolerance’, spending the day yelling, shouting and throwing things (including his pencil at his teacher and his violin bow at the wall). I didn’t think I was going to survive, but surprise surprise, I actually woke up this morning.

I’m probably describing a typical day in most homes (at least I hope I’m not the only one who has days like these). These are the days when I wonder if there will be anything left of the relationship between me and my kids by the time they are finally adults. Days when I wish I could just climb into bed and pull the duvet over my head. Days in which I am convinced every other parent can do this better than me. Luckily, I seem to survive these days and usually come out on the other side more intentional in my interactions with the kids. So here is my tips on how to have a better day once you wish you could erase yesterday from your memory:

First: Have a plan: Tell yourself that today is going to be a better day and that you are going to head things off at the pass. If at all possible, wake up a few minutes earlier than usual and spend those minutes in quiet time, drawing on your inner reserves to plan the day and your battle strategies.

Second: Have a morning cuddle: If your kids are young enough, crawl into their bed, or encourage them into your bed and start the day with cuddles (these are my favourite moments of the days because they are about the only time the boys show me any affection). If they are “too old” for cuddles (and very few kids really are despite their protests), try to add some quiet moments together chatting or reading. Add in some fun if possible: in my house, giggles, silly voices or over-exaggerated expressions usually work.

Third: Set the tone: When the kids are relaxed and you have their attention, have a quiet chat about the coming day and add in phrases like: “we are going to have a good day today”, “when we are frustrated, we can remember to …”, “If you get upset with me today, please just tell me in a nice voice” and so on. Keep this as short as possible…we can achieve more in 3 minutes than in 30 minutes.

Finally: Keep the tone: As things start to go a little awry (and if my kids are anything to go by, they will), keep your tone light and just remind them of the morning chat (e.g. “remember we are going to use nice voices today, even if we are upset” or “remember to find your self-control when you get frustrated”). I find if I head things off at the pass, the intensity of the outbursts reduce and they don’t build up into a pattern for the rest of the day.

Good luck surviving those crazy days and setting the tone for more level ones. Remember: This too shall pass.